I feel like I’ve lost a piece of my old self. Blogging used to be a daily ritual; my therapy during my darkest days and my hope during my adoption journey. I used to love pouring out my heart and soul. Sometimes I’d offend people (mainly family/friends who assumed a post was about them), sometimes I’d have people in tears, and sometimes/more often, I finally bridged a gap between those that knew me in real life so that they could see just an inkling of the pain my heart was going through.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately. Two weeks ago marked 5 years since Mikayla, my most difficult loss, grew her angel wings. So much has changed during those five years. My marriage has been tested, my body failed me repeatedly over pregnancies that came and went, I became desperate in my quest to become pregnant, I went a little coo coo…and then I found peace. I don’t know how exactly…but I finally learned to let go.
Letting go of my desire to carry a child was so important to my healing. It was in fact the very moment that my life started to move forward. I soaked in as much information as I could about adoption. I became friends with people in a new circle; ones whose focus on family building was not the almighty quest for two pink lines, strong betas, and heartbeats. It was different. It provided me with the peace my heart had been aching for.
Our adoption journey surely did not come without any challenges. Those who have been following, and continue to read (insert echo: helloooooo, hellooooooooooooo?), know that things have been quite the ride filled with many highs and lows.
Our open relationship ebbs and flows. We continue to only hear sporadically from Little Miss’s birthfamily. I suspect this is due to her Birthmother trying to find her way. At times I miss our connection greatly; especially the little girls. And other times, I still feel great relief that I am no longer knee-deep in the chaos that surrounded them. Through this, I’m gaining perspective. I’m soaking up pages, words, letters of guru’s book; dog earring pages and reflecting as I read….always asking myself: How can I apply this to our relationship? Will our relationship get ‘there’? Will our relationship get ‘here’? And more importantly, reminding myself that sometimes the best thing to do is to sit idle and be patient. Being idle in the sense of trying to not always have to ‘fix’ things or connect, connect, connect.
During this process, I’ve noticed that the blogs that I used to read have also changed. Some have disappeared, some have become vacant spaces, and some are still in the midst of writing about their journey of family building.
I have to be honest. I find that I”m not feeling that craving anymore. That quest for knowledge about this ‘other world’. Perhaps that is because time has helped to hear many of those deep deep scars. And the obvious, I’m now living in that ‘other world’ I once craved to be a part of. As I juggle teaching and mommyhood, time is sucked from me. I am content with today. I no longer crave for more things for tomorrow. Our adoption journey feels complete. I am done with waiting, wondering, and hoping for things. I feel that I actually do have everything that my heart desires.
So that brings me to this space. I feel like the end is near. The blog that I once felt so connected with, is now just a book whose pages I barely read. It is collecting dust.
I’m thinking that it’s time to wrap it up in a neat little bow and call it a day.
It’s hard to say good bye. I’ve made some wonderful connections with women. I’ve had my heartache and struggle heard and validated. I’ve been hugged countless times and have enjoyed hugging back. And maybe I’m not too sure if I’m ready just yet. But I suppose it’s also part of letting go. And we all know that letting go isn’t always a bad thing.
Until next time…
Much love, gratitude and peace to you.